I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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