I'm sorry my penis didn't work
it wasn't lemon gatorade
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Randomize
