and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
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