you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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