the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
