When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
