The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
