I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
