Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
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