I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
