Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
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