Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
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