my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
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