So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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