Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
