Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
