My first STD was from a foam party
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
