if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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