Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
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