I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
