I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
