I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
You have to summon your inner elephant
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I lost the right to judge tonight
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
