A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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