Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
