Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
