I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
