question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
