yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
