I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
