how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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