i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
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