I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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