P.S. I can't hear my feet
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
