My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize
