Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Randomize
