She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Your cock deserves a montage
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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