successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
