i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
