she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
sarcasm needs its own font
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize
