I am in a vortex of obligation.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
