I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
And then my night got REAL pukey
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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