its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
