I want to walk on stilts...naked
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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