we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
