A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
