im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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