ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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