I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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