i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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