The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Liz is crying about burritos again.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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